Following the Flame. Part One: The Flame That Would Not Go Out

+ Bishop Philaretos

As I grow older, people sometimes ask me why I chose the path I did. Much worse, and much more painful, are those who propose to understand me—those who desire to believe that I did everything to gain.
To gain what as a True Orthodox clergyman?? Money- no possible way. Power- none of that either! Even a True Orthodox bishop is a lion without teeth. A reputation- tons of slander, nothing to put in your CV…
Was I unique? I don’t believe so. I offer thoughts, though in an age when people who want to follow the flame have become few and far between.
The question is difficult to answer because, in many ways, I’m certain, though, that the path chose me long before I understood where it would lead. I was young. I was too young to think about what my future could be. I didn’t aim to be someone great in the Church, and I certainly have not become that!
I do not tell my story because I think I am an example of holiness. Far from it. Looking back over my life, I see mistakes, weaknesses, failures of judgment, and many things for which I must ask God’s forgiveness.
Yet there is one thing I cannot deny.
From my youth, there burned within me a longing for God. I only know that it was there. It blocked out what other people would call “career planning”, the future, possibilities. Was I weak? I was and am!
Does it still hurt when people think I was performing a whole lifetime of devious plans? Of course it does! In Greece, old-timers used to say, “I can find someone that is my height but not like my heart”. Of course, for me personally, it’s difficult to even find someone my height! Seriously, though, who truly wants to understand someone else?
As a teenager, I experienced what the Fathers might call a divine eros—not an emotion that appeared one day and vanished the next, but a profound attraction toward Christ and His Holy Church. It was not always accompanied by peace. At times, it brought confusion. At times, many, many times (!), it required difficult choices. But it never left me.
Many young people dream of careers, possessions, success, or the approval of others. There is nothing strange about that. Yet from an early age, my heart was drawn elsewhere. I knew from the beginning that I wouldn’t encounter much approval, and every day I live that painful reality. I tried to think of all those things. I discussed all those matters with my inner being, but my heart was already set on a different course. Christ allowed me to be oblivious to all of those difficulties that would come up along the road. I just knew I wanted to follow Him.
I was certainly not without faults. I made lots of mistakes, and some of them were serious. Again, I was weak and didn’t have a lot to offer. But one thing I learned early on was to be careful about who was shaping my soul.
Many people tried to direct my life. Some did so out of love. Some did so because they believed they knew what was best for me. Some were wise. Some were not.
But I sensed that if I allowed every strong voice to lead me, I would eventually lose sight of the one Voice I was trying to hear.
This required vigilance.
The danger is not always found in bad people. Sometimes the greatest danger comes from good people who sincerely want us to walk a road that God has not chosen for us.
The life that others expected for me was a life I could not imagine living.
The call of Christ demanded more.
It demanded that I leave behind familiar places, familiar expectations, and eventually even those whom I loved most.
None of this happened in a single moment.
It happened one step at a time.
One prayer at a time. One tear at a time.
One difficult decision at a time.
I still fear going back over all my memories. All the sorrows.
And before I fully understood what was happening, that flame which had first appeared in my youth had brought me to a crossroads from which there would be no turning back.
I left behind the life I had always known.
I carried very little with me. And most of that I lost along the way.
But in my heart burned a fire that would not go out.
I made my first big pilgrimage in my teens – a pilgrimage to the Holy Land. It was a big step on a road that would have no return for me.

This article is part of the series “Following the Flame,” a collection of personal reflections on my journey toward Christ and His Holy Church.